


Mature Human Woman Seeks Mate

by burglebezzlement



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Canon Arachnimorph Character, Extra Trick, F/M, Online Dating, Spider Monster, ToT: Monster Mash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-25 14:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12533404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burglebezzlement/pseuds/burglebezzlement
Summary: After her near-fatal boot smashing, Darlene looks for a new way to attract her prey.





	Mature Human Woman Seeks Mate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesertScribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertScribe/gifts).



> Credit for the work skin used here goes to To Skin a Fic (http://to-skin-a-fic.tumblr.com), which is an amazing resource of CSS for works on AO3.

“Hey, Mrs. Arachnodowsky,” Tommy says. “Mom said you needed help with your wifi.”

“Call me Darlene.” She smiles at him with her human teeth. “Aren’t you a nice boy, helping your old neighbor out.”

If Tommy really were a nice boy, he’d tell her not to call herself old. It stings a little that he doesn’t. She’s barely five centuries old, middle-aged for her kind, but she knows she looks a little beaten down right now. She’s still recovering from her boot squash injuries.

She reminds herself that she’ll be back to her old self in no time. She just needs to feed, which is where Tommy comes in. She can’t eat him — nothing gets you run out of town by a pitchfork-and-torch-bearing mob faster than feeding near your home — but she can get him to help her find new prey.

“I need you to put this on the World Wide Web,” she says, handing him a slip of paper.

Mature human woman seeks mate to laugh, love, share dinner date. Smokers welcome.

“Uh… what is this?”

“A dating ad.” Darlene shakes her head. She knew she’d been relying on the easy prey at Mystery Mountain for a while — almost 30 years — but have human dating practices really changed so much?

“Oh. Um, Mrs. Arachnodowsky —”

“Call me Darlene.”

“I don’t think this is how dating sites work,” he says, uncomfortably. “You have to answer questions and stuff. I helped my mom set a profile up a while ago.”

“Perfect,” Darlene says. “Set me up with one of those.”

It takes a little more convincing, but eventually Tommy agrees. They take some photos with Darlene’s phone. Darlene pulls her top down a little further, purses her lips, and keeps the look in her human eyes alluring. 

Once they’ve got some good photos, Tommy opens up his laptop.

“You have to answer a few questions,” he says. “Like… what are you looking for?”

“A man,” Darlene says. “Wait, no. A human man.” She’s not really into male Arachnimorphs. Can’t eat ‘em, can’t live with ‘em.

“Okay.” Tommy glances over at her, and then back down at his laptop screen. “What’s your ideal Saturday night?”

She tries to remember what the men she’s eaten have said to her. “A romantic night for two at the wrestling match,” she says. “Or we could just stay in and watch a cop-based procedural drama together.”

Tommy types that in. “Your best feature?”

“My two amazing legs.” She considers that for a moment. Maybe it’s misleading. “No, make that my two amazing human legs.”

“…really?” Tommy looks at her, and then looks away quickly. “You got it, Mrs. Arachnodowsky.”

“Darlene.”

“Uh… what are you doing with your life?”

“Just hanging.” Darlene grins.

Tommy has her answer a few more questions before he hits a couple final buttons. “I think that’s everything,” he says. “Do you want to set up a new email, so they can contact you there, or just have them message you through the site?”

“Can you just give them my address? Have them come right here. I always like takeout.” She laughs.

“That’s really unsafe, Mrs. — Darlene.” Tommy looks troubled. “Are you sure you understand the risks of online dating?”

“That’s sweet of you, Tommy.” Darlene watches the kid. “Fine. Just give ‘em my cell number and my email.”

“Do you really want those up on the internet? You can’t take it down.”

Darlene glares at him. Her two puny human eyes can’t match the fire of her four arachnid eyes, but Tommy’s weak. It’s enough.

He hits post.

* * *

Many miles away, MrMystery63 opens up his online dating account.

There’s a new listing — hubba hubba, this one’s a catch! Blonde hair, gorgeous eyes, and that body — she’s a stunner. And maybe a little familiar — has he met her before?

It doesn’t matter, he decides. Her profile says she likes shoulder hair and prop humor. She’s _perfect_.

He begins to type.


End file.
